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Philosophy of Being 18

January 4, 2009

I have been cleaning up my room a bit the last couple days (I do have some more recent things to share but thought I’d add this while I have it out) and came across some old journals of mine.  There is the one from Thailand which I started to read but I’m not quite ready and then there is this one from my high school philosophy class. I found a few things in there that I liked.  One of them was a question that I was shocked I had back then “Is it possible to want nothing out of life, and for that to be ok?”.  It’s kind of a shock to me because that’s how I feel about my life now and for me …it’s just great.  I mean I don’t mean “nothing” as it sounds, I just mean I want what ever my life brings.  It’s just the “be willing to give up the life you planned, for the life that’s waiting” type of thing.  Anyway, here are two little excerpts out of the journal.

The hard part about someone dying is not knowing (believing in heaven) what they are doing, not knowing what it’s like.  Like when someone you know goes to another country and you don’t hear from them.  You wonder what they’re up to if they’re happy, what’s the weather like, what do they eat, what does it look like? Blue skies? Grass? Ocean? Desert? Forest?  How do you feel, what kind of emotion does it bring out?

Sometimes I’ve been thinking maybe she was too good for this world.  Her eyes too blue, too perfect for that prom dress.  Her smile too big and powerful for our hearts.  God couldn’t put her through the lifetime of suffering the rest of us must endure in order to earn our place in heaven.

How come only people who contribute in some way to religion become saints? I’m thinking maybe God realized the whole Jesus thing didn’t work and it was more impactful to have many smaller people (meaning messengers, helpers, or angels, whatever you want to call them) to touch the lives of people and inspire them.  How these people influence others to change and live life for them after they’re gone is what makes them “saintly”.  It’s about how you leave the world, how you’ve impacted people, how many people listened and took something away from both your life and death.

I don’t at all remember being so religious/spiritual as a teen.  Death wasn’t anything new to me but, losing someone in the way this person was lost…  It’s so confusing and enraging, there is just no sense in it no matter how hard you try.

Couple pages later I wrote this:

…I don’t want to be the one on my death bed when I’m 35 or 80 dying of liver failure, throat cancer, lung cancer, whatever God awful thing watching brown mucus being drained into a container by the side of my bed, giant facial tumor that I just found out is cancerous is going to spread to my brain.  Not being able to talk coherently, having to piss in a pair of grown up diapers.  Pushing the morphine button twenty times a second.  Look up at the T.V. and see the jungles and orangutans in Sumatra.  The waterfalls and the mist of the cloud forest in Costa Rica.  Elephants, lions, and leopards in Kenya’s Ambroseli National Park and say:                                                                           I wish

I wish

I wish

I wish

Some of what I wrote came from an internship I had done on the cancer ward of the VA Hospital and watching how horrible cancer is to people.

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