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Addition and Subtraction

May 8, 2009

It’s strange to me how so many people always try to fix the things that don’t need fixing and fail to fix what does need to be fixed.  Somewhere around Middle School or High School many of my essays started to try and make sense of this and even now I still think about it out of the blue.  Mainly I think about this sort of strange relationship between my childhood home and my family life growing up.  Around Middle School was when everything started to change in my family, we couldn’t deny anymore what was going on but long before that the house started to change.

Originally my childhood home was medium sized, cozy but not too small, at least, it didn’t seem small to me.  We just had one and 1/2 bathrooms but I loved our one bathroom.  It was old fashioned with the black and white tiles, and a pedestal sink.  There was this huge counter, that I remember climbing up on all the time.  My favorite part of the house however, was this huge front porch we had, it was like having a deck out front.  My brother and I would eat breakfast out on that porch, or haul coloring books out to a table there, there were these great posts in the corners made from brick as it was a brick railing going around not wood.  It was fun to sit on them and watch the world go by, somewhere there is a picture of me playing a plastic, play saxaphone sitting on one of those posts.  I suppose we must have played out there in the winter too, there would have been a ton of snow on that porch, but I don’t remember.  I only somewhat remember our living room and don’t much remember the view out the windows but it would have looked out on the porch.  I think I was around 8 or so when my parents decided to redo the house, and the porch was lost.

It’s strange to me now too look at this house, the livingroom was expanded out to where that porch was, the master bedroom extended out along with it, the old bathroom was revamped and a new bathroom extended out over the smaller porch, the side of the house too was extened out a bit to make two small office spaces.   What’s strange about it is that soon after all that was done, we went from a family of four to a family of three.  All that space was created, why?  Was being so close together so bad?  Were my parents hoping that more space would led to less disagreement?  More room to get away?  What?  The marriage was falling apart and they couldn’t fix it so instead maybe they fixed what they could.  They made so many changes, it’s hard to remember them all.  My folks just kept fixing and changing, fixing and changing til finally they had to actually look at what was really happening.

I guess sometimes I come home a little sad, I think sometimes I still think that old house is gonna be here.  I don’t remember how life was before all those changes very well.  It bugs me when I see people fixing everything but what they really should be trying to fix, I just want to scream out to them tell them they are missing it.  It’s kind of awkward when people talk about my house and I tell them how it used to be.  “It used to be great, then we made all this space, had all these ideas of how it was gonna be, now it’s so big and empty”.

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