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The consequences & benefits of cabin fever & the false self

January 3, 2010

There is one small good thing about being sick/in quarantine and that is I do stuff I’ve been meaning to do.  I get so sick of myself that it lights a fire under my ass to Get Shit Done!

I’ve realized just how truly unhappy I am here and even though moving back to California is what I know I need, there is only so much I can do about that.  I mean, it feels a little easier because I feel like I was kind of sticking around for a few reasons (one being my fantastic therapist. God, it was such a pain in the ass to find a good one!) but, some of those situations have changed.  So I am thinking of just picking up and running, tons of my friends have done it so I’m feeling like maybe I can too! I just need a little time to figure out that plan.  Aside from that though, I realize I need to just say fuck it and do what makes me happy.

I’m a pretty bottled up person.  Sometimes that’s not such a bad thing, I enjoy being mysterious.  “Keep ’em guessing”, the oldies around me say.  Yup, that’s me.  I enjoy surprising people.  But sometimes I get in my own way.  Like everything there is a huge psychological reason for why I bottle up but, I’ll spare you.  I get really sick of being like this and I have gone through phases, living here, where I say “No more! Fuck it!”.  I usually start to shed my outward appearance and personality but then chicken out and pull back.  This time though, I’ve started to take some big steps to really doing that and taking care of being happy.  I realize I really don’t think I care all that much (just maybe as much as is healthy) about what other people think.  It’s me, don’t like it? Then I don’t care go away!  That’s where the consequence lies I suppose, I can totally open up and get myself in a lot of “trouble”.  I started to be like that in California and God was I happy!  I miss that person and I feel bad subjecting so many people lately that I care about to a false self.

I don’t want to get in my own way anymore.  It’s hard to get out of this illusion I’ve been used to showing for 28 years around this town. I really feel better taking these few little steps though.  Cali will happen for me again but till then “Fuck it!” I’m uncorking the bottle and slowly letting myself out.

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