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The No Good, Kinda Bad Night

April 22, 2010

So, somewhere around the time of that night of insomnia I had a bad night.  Since then I have seriously wished I had better health care so I could go back on medication.  (The medication I was on was one of two that I’ve tried that have really helped with my sleep and I can stand the side effects) The night before last it kind of hit me that, that night had been a bad one.  I tend to have a delayed reaction to things like that, I won’t realize that something is bugging me until the dam breaks.  Now that I know I’m trying to figure out what to do with the experience.

It’s kind of interesting because for a while I’d been trying to get back into some writing stuff and I had dug out the start of a story I had written back in middle school or high school.  I had been laying out some ideas but recently have just needed a break, it’s interesting because this bad night kind of brought those ideas back.  I’m not sure if this is a part of that story I was working on or something new.  Well, back up…

I am not a person that dreams.  Most people thing “Oh, everyone dreams you just don’t remember.”  Mmm, no I pretty much don’t dream.  I’m not saying I NEVER dream but…mostly I don’t dream.  The fun Fibromyalgia fucks with my sleep and I don’t get into those levels of sleep where one dreams.  I consider it a freaking miracle when I do dream (even when I don’t remember it, I can usually “feel” a difference in how I feel when I get up).  I tend to dream a lot when I’m at my childhood home.  The bad thing is though most times when I dream…they are nightmares.  Luckily, I think I’ve out grown my night terrors lol those are really shitty if you’ve never had one…don’t (you’re half awake but stuck in the nightmare).  When I have good dreams they tend to be super awesome.  This dream I had the other day was not exactly at nightmare status, more like bad dream but it’s left me rattled enough.

In this dream there was a girl who was basking in the warmth of the good memories of her life thus far.  I remember enjoying the feeling, it was like I was her but at the same time not so in a way I could feel what she was feeling but at the same time have my own independent feelings about watching all this.  I could see her memories from both her inside point of view and my point of view as an outsider.  So there I was (we were) enjoying “seeing” all these memories, like watching a really great movie.  It was strange, I remember feeling so warm. It reminded me of this past week when everything was cold but standing in the sun, absorbing it all, was so wonderful. It was one of those experiences you just don’t want to end, you want it to go on and on, you don’t even want to move.  Then all of a sudden it all vanished and was replaced by a harsh reality most people would like to forget.  Turns out that’s what the girl in my dream did, none of the good memories she had were real.  She had pretended so hard that she forgot what her  life was really like and had made up a different reality for herself.  I guess the day finally came when she had to face the truth, none of that good stuff ever happened.

The dream left me rattled because it reminded me of my own life in a lot of ways.  I went through some time in the past where I struggled to acknowledge my past, there were times when I struggled with what reality was (that sounds nutty. I mean I knew what it was but I’m not sure how to explain what I mean right now).  I think it’s always important to acknowledge the bad parts of our lives, not dwell on them but just let them “out”.  I don’t think I’ve been doing a good job of that and instead fallen somewhat back into my old ways of sweeping it all under the carpet.  I think this dream has been just one of the consequences of not listening to what’s going on with me.

I think I need to really find some time to carve out for myself.  Start taking care of me again, for a change.

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