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On Homicide

March 14, 2011

Ceasefire: Empty Promises

Image by Swamibu via Flickr

Eleven years later (3/12/2000) and it seems like we are struggling less with March.  That doesn’t mean I miss “her” any less.  It doesn’t mean I don’t think about it at all.  Some days, like today (3/13), I still obsess over it.  Maybe obsess isn’t the right word…I’m not sure how to describe it but I just need to feel what ever it is I’m still feeling.  Last year I don’t remember actively thinking about the fact it was March really.  The month just flew by I think and now that I look a back at it… I don’t know, it’s a little surprising and I want to be happy that it flew by like that.  I hope that after typing and publishing this maybe this March will go by like any other too.  In the back of my head there is a slight twinge of guilt but then again there is a bigger twinge of guilt when I spend too much time obsessing.  I feel like obsessing is just a waste, I guess.  I should be living.

My brother came home a last week for a minute.  I guess that’s sort of when I started thinking about all this.  I mean, there has been a lot of death and death related stuff going on around me and in my life lately too.  Just seeing my brother really smile and genuinely happy reminded me how many months of March we went through where he was just ultra grumpy or reclusive.  The only indication of those old times was when he commented “People die.”  It wasn’t so much the comment itself but rather the tone.

It reminded me of that first day back to school.  I called him up because I had to step out of class.  I was already tired of talking about what had happened, I had gone to school hoping to escape with no such luck.  He tried to be helpful, he tried to be strong for me.  “She’s in a better place” he said.  I remember feeling really confused as to why he said that.  A) I wasn’t sure he believed that (he’s atheist)  2)how was being dead better than living?  I mean just what the f*** does that mean.  Even now I haven’t figured that out for myself. I’m just not sure it fits in my life.

Maybe all this is coming up stronger again because he is happy.  He’s found someone he seems to be very serious about, she has a daughter.  Last year he hit a big milestone birthday.  Things “she” won’t ever get to do/experience.

Even though its a horrible gray day out, I can still vividly remember back to that March 24th.  It was really starting to get spring like outside and everyone in school was buzzing about.  It’s that weird energy that starts up as the weather turns nice and everyone starts to realize June, graduation, is just around the corner.  I was running a little late because people kept stopping to chat with me.  I thought I saw my brother’s car waiting out front for me but I wasn’t sure, someone distracted me and when I turned around the car was gone.  I had to call home. I remember sitting in the pew between my brother and his friend as they played “Happy Birthday”.  I remember how massively uncomfortable it was, no one knew what to do.  My brother’s friend started singing…then so did I. I remember the girl who ran out from the church afterward as we were all standing around not quite ready to leave, still trying to catch our bearings, her face was so red as she was crying and half screaming.  She ran straight in to my brother’s arms.  I remember my brother’s friend saying that he wished he could climb up the rock face of church to shout up and ask if God was really listening.  I remember the guy stopped at the red light just at the corner of church blasting his music.  I remember how sorry he looked when the cop went up  told what was going on and asked him to turn it off.

In writing this, I think I’ve realized that it isn’t so much the actual loss, & the missing (missing “her”, missing “her” car parked out front, missing picking up the phone when “she’d” call, etc).  Mostly, I think I’m still upset over how much pain there was and how helpless everyone felt.  There was no making sense of it, there still isn’t really.  I think over the years, for me at least, I’ve had to cobble together a meaning.  Especially being in the position that I am, where this is my brother’s friend and this is someone I was just starting to get to know, it’s been difficult to figure out all the pieces and where they go.

I realize now some years March may fly by like any other month and other times March may remain a highly “charged” time whether I’m conscious of it or not.  It’s not called the grieving process without reason.  For whatever reason (or the reasons above) maybe this is just a time I need to revisit parts of that process and fit in my latest life lessons, development stages & perspectives. I think I would like to just be able to make it disappear but I don’t think that’s going to happen, like everything else.  I keep a self-care plan for September (another highly emotionally charged month) and maybe I need to make one for March.

It’s now March 14th, and today seems harder.  I keep wondering if it’s just going to get harder and harder until the end of the month or whether my self-care tool box will kick in.  I wasn’t thinking at all and I really should have scheduled somethings for myself but…it is what it is. Today I guess I just needed a break and I’m trying to just let that happen. I’m trying not to stress about every little thing, there’s so much going on…

“What can you do for yourself today?”

I think it would help me if I spent sometime writing out some things running through my head in preparation for my appointment on Thursday.  If I can keep my eye on Thursday, I’ll be ok.  It seems far but not too far that I can’t hold out.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 14, 2011 6:26 pm

    Peace be with you!

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