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Under the Perseids

August 16, 2010

Do you remember that night on the pier?

I’m remembering now like it was yesterday.  So many times I remember those days like they were all yesterdays.  I remember you told me a story and then I drifted off into my own little world as the stars fell.  It was as if I was sleeping but I was more alert than ever.  Thinking me asleep, you went on talking to someone.  I fell into the lull and rhythm of your voices.  That was all I needed to understand.  It was then I knew I had to listen to my heart.

If what I think is now true…then my heart is happy I obeyed.

Note: Crud! I was going to post a long entry before this (this just came out of left right this moment) but never got around to it and now it just doesn’t seem right somehow.  I’m too tired to type the whole thing now and some how it has come to feel too personal for some reason. I don’t know…it’s not really too personal…not sure what the deal is.

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Childhood Summers

August 11, 2010

Catching fireflies in the park

Eating s’mores till you’re sick

Swimming at the lake till exhaustion

Picnics in the park or at the lake

Drinking too much lemonade

Catching frogs, toads, and turtles

Fish frys with family

Reading and listening to crickets at night

Family vacations renting cabins

Hiking through the botanical gardens

Lawn concerts

Bus rides to day camp

Never ending friendship bracelet making

The smell of the books at the Estes Park library and lying in bed reading.

Climbing in the giant tree at day camp

The taste of food at over night camp (ugh!) the tast of food at day camp (mmm!)

It’s the little things in life

August 1, 2010

There are so many people I am missing right now.  It’s that horrible “I miss you so much that it hurts!” type of feeling.  The it’s been so long (or in some cases it feels like it’s been forever but only a few months) I feel like I’ve forgotten everything about you.  What was it that we used to always laugh over? What was it we could talk about for hours on end? What was your favorite food? Favorite movie? Favorite book? Where was it that we used to always go? I forget what your voice was like? I almost forget what you look like?

But, there is one thing about all of these people that I do remember quite vividly…

Their smile and I can’t help but smile too when I think of it.

These disappearing summer days

July 26, 2010

I know I should add some of the stuff from my notes and journals up on here but…

It’s so nice out! I really haven’t been out much at all this summer between work and trying to clean up my room. Horrible, pathetic.

Yesterday I just said fuck it to picking up my room, clearing out laundry baskets, etc and went outside to finish a story idea that popped into my head. First time in ages (AGES, really!) that I’ve finished a story (last time it happened I was probably 9!)

Ok, so maybe I’ll go out and read for a bit then come back in and post a few things. Probably won’t get around to posting the story for a little while because …too much typing …really lazy! lol!

The Life Before Life Began

June 22, 2010

June 14, 2010

I was sitting in the darkness of the living room having one of those late night chats with my mom.  At one point I started to think about how odd it felt to think about her life and my dad’s life before me, life before my brother.  It was so strange to think of her lying in a hospital bed, a fairly young version of her like I see in old photos, her fate sealed for certain that she would never have biological children.  My mom has always said she never wanted biological children but, it’s still a strange thing to think about.  It’s very bizarre to think of my father as a small boy running around a cabin near one of the thousands of lakes in Minnesota (I saw it once when I was small), to think of him spending summers with relatives he adored and felt close to.

There was a life before me.  For a brief time there was a life when there were just three, my mom, my dad, and, my brother.  There was a time when my parents were probably very different people than the ones I’ve known.  There was a time when they even saw each other as very, very different people.  It’s really mind boggling sometimes to think of the two of them growing up, on their own little trajectories, then suddenly crossing paths…

There were lives before me, lives and events that brought me here, to this place, to this now, to who I am.  Sometimes it feels like a heavy legacy to carry and sometimes…sometimes it’s just the stories that are told on a quiet evening.

On Life, Death, and Aging

June 15, 2010

I never really imagined myself growing old. I mean, probably a lot of people don’t but growing up I honestly never expected to make it anywhere near the mid-twenties at all.  When I finally made it out of my early twenties I started to feel different, I no longer had a nagging feeling my ticket was going to come up.  After age twenty-five birthdays started to get more difficult for me, though.  It seemed like there where so many times in my life when I should have just ceased to exist.  Aging and death of old age just never seemed like they were going to be in my cards.  After twenty-five I felt like  I was “safer” somehow but, all of a sudden I was living on some other time track.  Until then the whole death and death of old age concept  wasn’t something I’d ever given thought to.  So, it’s always been sort of eerie feeling when I would see these old couples.  Getting old and growing old with someone just has never seemed like it would be a part of my time line.  Even now it’s not something I think of as being in my future, sometimes I think I don’t even want it in my future.  I don’t want to say I have an early death wish or anything like that but, let’s just say I don’t live my life with the peer pressure of death breathing down my neck (if that makes any sense).

See, when I was eighteen I kissed death full on the mouth and then I got up and walked on.  The thing is though, after that I knew what death was. I knew what would be coming.  I made my peace with mortality.  I think it might sound pretty crazy but, I feel strangely comfortable with death and maybe dare say welcoming.  I mean when it comes it will come.  It will be my time and there will be no stopping that.

I guess I haven’t quiet been able to shift my life view to include old age.  It’s just strange to me though…slow decay ha!  My dad had his own experience with death years ago, only I think he kind of became obsessed.  Anyway, he doesn’t get the whole decaying old people thing either.  These stooped over, don’t get out of the chair, eating mashed bland food, old people.  We’ve both agreed we never want to be that so long as we can help it.

I guess the rare occasion I do see myself getting old…this is what I wish to be:  I wish to be that eccentric old lady that the entire town talks about, they all know that she’s a good person but…you know.  All the kids come visit my house because unlike their boring parents I still have an IMAGINATION.  My yard is that one that really gets the gossip going because it’s got bizarre sculptures and lawn ornaments I’ve stolen on my late night walks.  Of course no one in the town will say anything about their missing lawn ornaments because I’m old and strange.  If they do I’ll just blame it on a sleep walking habit I’ve developed due to medication.  I’ll be like my paternal grandma and drink and smoke until the day I die…because I can, I like it, and I’m old damn it! I’ll walk around town reading Neruda, Shakespeare, The Canterbury Tales, and One Hundred and One Arabian Nights, aloud. I’ll find strange places to take naps at the oddest times, only maybe I’ll just be pretending.  I’ll tell everyone I’m 76 but really I’ll be 97 because even when I’m old I still won’t look my age.  Instead of being the crazy cat lady, maybe I’ll have a pack of dogs…maybe mice…maybe orchids…  I’ll be old but I’ll still have a tree house in my backyard.  I’ll get around town on a pair of old roller skates.  Every once in a while I’ll go up to the public schools and hassle them about ” Just what they are teaching children in schools these days?”.  Then I’ll go home and soak in my claw foot tub and think “Maybe, getting old wasn’t such a weird concept after all”.

Can you tell what one of my favorite poems was growing up? (“Warning, When I am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple”)

I guess, I used to live my life as each day was my last, trying to cram every second in with something.  Now (post incident) I live as though it’s not my last day but if it is…I’ll be ok with that.

Cracks & Crevices

May 31, 2010

Spiraling stars, star trail

Or Crevasses. Which is one of my favorite words (especially after the movie “Touching the Void”) but anyway…

I have a new post I was trying to work on but blah. I can’t seem to finish my thoughts or get them straightened out. I’ll hopefully post it soon if not right along this one but while I was working on it I happened to spot some jottings in my journal that seemed to fit.

November 14, 2009

I wish I could stop looking for the answers…

…I’m just some where caught in this space between November and December

[I] keep thinking about how I used to wander around looking at all the cracks and crevices, wondering what they would be like if I no longer filled them.

I wasn’t sure what I meant by that when I first re-read it but, now after thinking on this other post I think I remember what this is about.  At first I was reading it kind of too literally lol! Which sort of makes sense because at my mom’s house my brother and I made our “mark” almost everywhere.  It’s been funny to stumble upon our writing or initials all these years later.  That’s not what I meant though, ha! Me and my silly brain. Even thought these are pretty damn depressing I just like them for some reason. Maybe because I do kind of picture that literally still and I kind of drift of and think about everyone’s life in that imagery. The things we all seep into…blah blah anyway…

Here is another one I wrote not long ago, I’d like to keep working on it and turn it into something more though I think:

May 24, 2010

When I was twelve I vanished into thin air. Just all of a sudden one day I no longer existed.  Life filled in around me. I came and went, I watched it all pass by. No one noticed when I returned.

I disappeared again when I was 18. I remember sitting listening to my friends laugh and my instructor drone on about the [fine art] of photography, as the dark clouds swept in over me.  The darkness filled every crevice until I found myself spiraling downward in a vast wasteland of stars. Finally all the stars went out and I found myself lying in a cozy bed of blackness.

I don’t remember when I returned but, I suppose I did…